wednesday was a special day.
as i was telling peipei..

ytd i was wid huiling in orchard zara
den hb saw us
N HE DIDNT EVEN COME SAY HI
at night he sms me.asked if i was there.den he told me he saw me lo.den i asked why he didnt come sae hi.den he started saying he only saw my back view n dress.den i sae isit cos he was wid her so he cldnt come sae hi.he said maybe ya.but continue insisting sae wad i was walking veh fast then i disappeared.then i siad he cld still coem sae hi.den he said most imptly is he look like fark so cnt say hi
tts like d best excuse i heard in my 19 years.then he started started saying forget it k.my fualt k.i sibei dulan lo.i said wow.u r makin it sounds like i am pickign a fight.then he said it's a misunderstandin n he is sorry la.
then i said.nvm la.nothing to be sorry about.(In a very sarcastic tone of cos)\so i guess he cld sense it.den he said sorry again.
i just said never mind.nth much also.just didnt noe saying hi could be so tough.

either he is so submissive to winnie.or she is such a control freak that he he cnt even say hi to a FRIEND.i can't help but to feel he is behaving like such a pussy with her.i never thought he is such a person.and i feel very upset, angry and super disappointed that he behaved like that.and it sorta gross me out too.

we were so close.being able to share everything together.thinking back, maybe it was only be who could share whatever with him.cos only much later i realised it wasn't so for his side.anyway, it really upsets me that we are so distant and becoming like strangers now.he promised he would always be there for me.but apparently he isnt really keeping his promise and there's nothing much i can do about that.but it still saddens me a lot to see us drifting apart like that.to think i am leaving so soon and he seem to couldnt care less.how great.

i still miss him.though i don't think i can forget about the incident at zara.and my leaving ought to be a good chance to let go.though i am so sure it is gonna hurt like mad.

i still love you, baby.

一人一半 感情不散
一人一素故 感情才会久

时光累积 安静的泪滴
一心去追 爱那么可贵

这样的人 这样地等无
非是 等个回应眼神
为爱反滚 不及伤痕
甘心为你一身都浮沉

这样的人 别笑我蠢
傻傻的 心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷 就算难残忍
等你想起这没用的人

一人一半 感情不散
已经找到爱 为何要离开

已经找到爱 为何要离开

this song is stuck in my brain.haha.
the subtle sadness lingers, like the one you left me with.

great great.

the long awaited photos for THEIR Phuket trip are finally posted on her Friendster=)

though i know how much it will hurt to see them together, i still couldn't resist the temptation to find out.

aha.and well.how my heart wrenched into a pathetic lump when i see the photos.how the rims of my eyes burn when i see the photos.how i wish i never have to feel so miserable about someone i love so much.

and it is the much dreaded 24th of the month again.and maybe seeing these photos on this particularly special day is meant to be.but of course, i don't need these subtle hints to tell me i should have let go long time ago.his indifference and ability to move on so quickly are the best ways he can use to tell me to get a life of my own without him.but how?how could i possibly leave when i gave so much and is still so committed in this expired relationship?when i still care and love you so much, how can i turn around and pretend nothing between us have moved me?

my friends are expecting us to meet up before our leaving to China.and of course i miss you so much i wish we could be together all the time.but i don't want to ask you.i don't want to be rejected again.i know what people say about not worrying about rejections and such.but being rejected again and again wears me down.anyone with some dignity would be sick and tired to go through that kind of treatment like a evil circle.and if you haven't forgotten, i am also a girl.i have got some pride and dignity like everyone else too.i am willing to let them down but doesnt mean you could trample on it like it wouldnt hurt.and i always have to suffer from withdrawal symptoms or cold turkey after meeting you.and maybe spending time away from you will eventually starve my desire to be with you.but i am quite sure i will never be able to forget you.

i want you to be happy.with or without me.but i dunno how.
=(

hello

suddenly the trip to china seems to near!esp after the *&^%$%^& final report and presentation.and it seems scary.while others might be really excited and looking forward to going over, it's still difficult for me to be even happy about it and when people talk about it in an excited manner, it sorta piss me off.don't ask me why.

and my friends are arranging to meet me before i go over.even kaiwen asked me out for a dinner.which i find quite surprising but think he hasn't really changed when he asked me to decide where to go.haha.but maybe he is just nice letting me decide where to go.

but the thing i see is.or rather don't see.is why he seem to be able to remain so indifferent about my leaving.we haven't contact since he came back from Phuket.and even that time, there wasn't much talking.i could feel that we've drifted apart and the bond we once shared so dearly has been weakened so drastically, it upsets me a lot.to think we are already so distant while i am still here, i don't want to think what things are gonna be like when i am gone.and it pains me so much to see us end up in this state.once, we could share everything we have in mind whenever we could.now, i have so much to say to you but nothing comes out.firstly, i am so afraid of your half-hearted replies cos i know they would only hurt me more.secondly, you seem so uninterested in my affairs, unlike before.thirdly, the distance between us seem to be expanding, no matter how much i want us to be closer.

and it's gonna be 24th again.how much i hate this day.without you.it reminds me how happy we could still be.it reminds me how happy you are now without me.don't tell me you are not.cos apparently you are.

i miss you so much, baby.i know things are and can never be the same.but i still reminisce the short-lived and beautiful part of our lives we spent together.in each others' arms and loving kisses.

i love you, though i dunno how.

hello my dear=)

hope yoy are enjoying in phuket.though i also hope you are not.but most probably you are.though i dont want to think so.

you might be coming back.but not to me.i remembered you told me you will come back to me when you were at her birthday chalet.ha.wad a joke, my sweet.i was just a resting point.probably a temporary escapade from the short term unhappiness you had with her.and you left, without turning back to see how dejected i am.

we havent met for a month plus.and of cos, it doesnt really make much a difference for you, despite knowing i am leaving for china REAL soon.ha.i miss you, but maybe not as bad as before cos i havent seen you for a relatively long time and the way u f treat me like a piece of dirt.maybe if i dont see you at all will be a good thing after all.

but when every good things happen, i wish you were there to share the joy.when bad things happen, i wish you were there to dry my tears and let your shoulder to lie.

but it's okie.since it has got better than before, maybe some day everything will be fine.but for now, i still love you.just that i dunno how.

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough

I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
And tumblin' and breakin'

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand
That I dream a million sleepless nights
Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights

I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get

I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

这一刻突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天今天同时在放映
我这句语气原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据

差一点骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏笔
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
那一段我们曾心贴着心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你已走进别人风景
多希望也有星光的投影


可惜不是你陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
可惜不是你陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口

omg.

i saw winnie ytd.

jielin n i were in the toilet at PS.while we were washing our hands, lum suddenly said
"eh.is tt winnie?"
"are you sure?!"
so i turned SLOWLY and i saw her at tt corner.OMFG LA!
tai qiao le bah!
my heart was pounding like mad.not cos i was veh excited.but more of like SHOCKED!!
den she left the toilet first so we were behind her.i was squinting to see properly if it's really her.really is her leh.=D
i still couldnt believe it actually!like this day really happened!and she is really real!
then lum n i were standing at the escalator, my back facing the exit from the toilet.then lum said "dont turn back yet.she's there."
and i really didn't turn.which, thinking back, quite dumb cos i never saw her again!
she looks quite the same as in her photos actually.=)
and i if i saw them TOGETHER, i might just jump off the building.kidding.but i wld be really shocked and maybe upset.and it wld be a real wake up call for me.i wunt know how to react.really.i cnt imagine.

i sms him "i saw winnie at ps just now.were u dere?=)"
and guess what!he didnt reply me again!woohoo =\
i am not surprised.but i am disheartened.again.

hello

he called las night.and it's been a while before that i could go to sleep with a lil smile on my face.
then i just had to check their friendsters and spoil my own day.
she posted a few new pictures of them and their frens.looking happily and lovingly together.photos i never thought he will want to be seen in kind.photos wid his fren meaning he has once again brought them together like how he brought me to his frens kind?they been to east coast.were they as happy as we were when we were at east coast park that night?okie, i wasnt happy all the way cos we quarrelled n i cried over winnie then.ha.how ironical.and i wonder how jianliang feels seeing them together.haha.
i sorta miss his frens too.like i've mentioned.
and another thing tts quite puzzling is that, when we were on the phone last night, he mentioned they quarrelled.and the weird thing is he referred her as "MY girlfriend", not winnie or whatsoever.and i wonder why.maybe he mentioned it this way purposely (to spite me or what, god knows),to show they are extra close, or the other extreme, to show they are nt tt close.or it just doesnt has any special meaning?

and oh ya.the photos.
alex dawn n i were discussing.
and they think she's doing this because she wants to spite me.
maybe showing off tt they are happily f each other?
maybe telling me that he's still hers ultimately？
maybe it's just a subtle way to get me to get lost?
if she's really doing this to spite me, i wld veh much like to ask her to get a life.seriously.1stly, he's already yours.what more are you worried for?2ndly, if you are using him to show off to me, i cnt imagine how hurt he might be when he gets to know about it.3rdly, dont u think it is just plain childish this way?and a caption from one of their photos reads like this, "he's a freakin lucky boy, i can say ;)"
okie lo.he must be god-damn lucky to have you then.wad i interpret from this line is that, she thinks she's really good for him.or maybe having such a forgiving girlfriend like her who can still take him back even after he cheated on her.good good.

we are all very confused with what we want.many times, we have what we thought we want to keep.other times, we want what others have.more often than not, we are not satisfied with what we already have.and i guess we are very much these people.

i still miss you.

我不想忘记你
我在向前走却像在退后
我在用想念狂欢寂寞
越快乐就越失落
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

一个人不懂什么是拥有
两个人不懂怎么把握
越在乎就越脆弱
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄


淘汰
我说了所有的谎
你全都相信
简单的我爱你
你却老不信
你书里的剧情我不想上演
因为我喜欢喜剧收尾
我试过完美放弃
的确很踏实
醒来了梦散了
你我都走散了
情歌的词何必押韵
就算我是k歌之王
也不见得把爱情唱得完美
只能说我输了
也许是你怕了
我们的回忆没有皱折
你却用离开烫下句点
只能说我认了
你的不安得到你信任
我却得到你安慰的淘汰


错了再错
退到了绝境再退破碎到不能破碎
能挽回什么你就不肯说
我只能猜疑却都错
泪水灌溉这伤悲绝望是你赐给的安慰
为何你说谎我却受惩罚
你不如就用刀刺下
我可以痛了再痛你可以错了再错
不甘心不闪躲只为那失真的承诺
我转身让你换着活你存心用尽我宽容
为什么连谎言你也刺破
爱或痛彼此纠结悲和我无法分解
厌倦的疲累成了一片黑
伤痛都已无法消灭
泪水滋润着泪水背叛是你另一种慰藉
完美的借口泪无辜留下
你不如用乱箭射吧
即使我头也不回这悲剧猛向我追
情愿你全部摧毁别留着燎原的火堆
给你的自由将我吞没
给我的爱像一根绳索
你放手却捆住了我
不甘心不闪躲全为了失真的承诺
为什么连谎言你也给刺破
为什么连谎言你也不说

i sent him a sms on his birthday, wishing him a happy birthday.
i sent him a birthday e-card, for the purpose of a birthday card.
i sent him a sms after his birthday, hoping he had a good time on his birthday.

he didn't reply to any of them.
very disheartening.
i realised i am already not asking for more.i am not asking that he would reciprocate my feelings for him already.i am not pinning hopes on us already.i just ask he would stop treating me like a piece of dirt.
i guess that's not too much.but too much for him.
=.(

I saw an old friend of our's today
She asked about you, i didn't quite know what to say
heard youv'e been making the rounds 'round here
while I've been trying to make tears disapear

Now Im almost over you
I've almost shook these blues
so when you come back around
after painting the town
you'll see im almost over you...

you're such a sly one with a cold cold heart
maybe leavin came easy, but it tore me apart
time heals all wounds they say and I should know
coz it seems like forever,
but im letting you go

I can forgive you and soon I'll forget all my shattered dreams
although you left me with nothing to show
but all misery

when you come back around, after painting the town,
you'll see im almost over you

happy birthday, my love.
i am sure you will still enjoy this special day without me.


我知道伤心不能改变什么
那么让我诚实一点
诚实难免有不能控制的宣泄
只有关上了门不必理谁
一个人坐在空的包厢里面
手机让它休息一夜
难,想切割切掉回忆的画面
眼泪不能流过十二点
生日快乐
我对自己说
蜡烛点了
寂寞亮了
生日快乐
泪也融了
我要谢谢你给的你拿走的一切
还爱你的一点恨
还要时间
才能平衡
热恋伤痕
画面重生
祝我生日快乐