and i think i have grown stronger and wiser.finally.

it just suddenly hit me that i am being v silly all these while.holding on to something that hasnt been there for a damn long time.feeding on the false hope he's been giving me.

true, this is not the first time i feel determined to let go of the wretched relationship.and apparently I've failed miserably more than i could take it myself.but this time it seems different.i can't wait to get rid of the box i have with me now, something which he promised would be with him months ago.but i don think i want to hand it to you personally already.seems like the photos and your lies have done a great job in turning me off towards you.hur hur.

and the courage i took to empty my inbox.just in case you dunno, my inbox were filled with your messages.i used to treasure alot.those words you told me.esp those with such endearment.but i was so pissed off with all the lies you have been telling me from day one and i guess it was that anger that motivated me to take the first steps of letting go, removing all the electronic-based memories i had in my phone.for a split second i was filled with regret.but i told myself no, i can't fall back into it so soon, at least.and i am getting more sure that i can do so much better without you.even thought the fact that we can never be as close, physically or emotionally, still aint the best idea.

so i finally knew why you didn't reply my sms-es during V day.

cos you were having the time of your life with her in Bangkok.
nothing new actually.though the pain is still v prominent when i know you're with her.

maybe that's why you hid the truth?when you told me you were in Thailand when you finally replied me last sunday, i had no bloody memory you told me about the trip, though you insisted you told me.but if i knew you were away (with her esp), wld i haf stil sms u?the naive me probed, asking who you went with.TWICE!and she simply brushed it off "friends".i had my reservations yet i still trusted you.

so if i never saw her proudly displayed photos on her Friendster, i guess i will never find out you lied to me (again).those photos depict enjoyment and lovers' kinda sweet feelin uh?

very well.you must have enjoyed it so much that the food poisoning case isnt too much a big deal.

honestly i am utterly disappointed and f pissed that you had to lie to me.i mean, what for?!you going overseas with your girlfriend isn't the first time and it is certainly not something t b shameful of.although it sucks to see ya together, i ought to be used to the wrenched up feeling i get.and the mere fact that you lied to me is more than enough for me to hate you.okie, maybe hate is too harsh a word to describe how i feel towards you.but seriously, i don't see the point of you having to lie to me.huiling said that maybe it is cos you still have something for me so you don wan me to the truth?fark off.it is most probably not the case cos although how much i wish(ed) for us to happen again, deep down i know i am asking for too much.and if you really still have something for me, you won't lie to me.i don't lie to people i love and i truly expect they do the same to me.i hold/ held you so dear to myself and you had to do this to me.

okie.maybe i am sounding too exaggerated here.but knowing someone whom you love/ loved so much lying to you again and again.it is like having an old wound cut open repeatedly before it heals.

i thought i could see us both from a different light already.we could just settle as being being friends, platonic friends.we could care for each other like how any other normal friends could.couldn't we?

apparently, i couldn't.

i began to know i can't see things as i wish when i knew we both felt bitter when we respectively had fun with other partners in phuture/zouk. but again, i thought i could just let it pass without leaving a mark.

when we came home together after zouk that night, i knew i couldn't do it anymore.i came to be honest with myself.i know it would be a damn long time before i can really see you just as another friend.in fact, i don't want us to be just that, actually.i hate the fact that we can only remain as friends, despite how much i love you and how much/ little you loved me.

we did things we shouldn't have done that night.and it is easy to tell it was only lust that we were after.no feelings involved, at least from your side.

i (finally) asked why did you chose her over me.i cringed when you said it is the feeling you have for her.what when she feels upset, you feel the pain for her and when she is happy it puts a smile on your face whatsoever.honestly, i never thought something like that would have came out from the same lips that used to kissed me so such passion and love.

as usual, i can't really remember much under the influence of alcohol. most of the things are just a blurred vision now.probably this is a good thing since i have been wanting very much to put that screwed relationship behind me for good. oh ya.i remember he saying that he would be there for me till the day he dies.when my friends tell me such promises, i usually trust them without hesitation. but for him, despite this not the first time he tells me things like that, i seem to have all the reason to have my doubt to his words. apparently actions speak louder than words when at many occasions, what he had done contradict what he promised.

oh well.wish me luck in doing whatever my heart tells me to=)

That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you

And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile?
And then I like you for a while
No...

But you won't let me
You upset me girl and then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
Can't remember what you did

But I hate it
You know exactly what to do so that I can't stay mad at you for too long
That's wrong but I hate it

You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't wanna fuss and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so

And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh

Sad and it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact that I...
Love you beyond a reason why
And it just ain't right

And I hate how much I love you gir
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so

One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss will make me weak
But no one in this world
Knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...


It's how much I love you
It's how nuch I need you
It's how much I love you
It's how much I need you
And I hate that I love you
Sooooo
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you soo
And I hate that I love you soo sooo

today tan passed me the box back to me.
when it is suppose to be with him months back.
he said it is awkward for him to meet my friends.so it isn't so bad to disappoint me again?or maybe it is just cos you are so used to doing that to me, it does't really amtter to you anymore.but just in case you think i am as heartless as you are, i am not and i still feel the pain whenever things like that have to happen to me.
so i asked if you were free tonight so that i could pass you the box.and eons later, you just replied what do i have to pass to you.fark.don't make it sound like i owe you big time k.argh.i told you it is the box but another day.and you could only say you're sorry and that you were busy the whole day.wow.busy as usual uh.too busy to even reply a sms uh.
don't let me think that you are jerk k.cos u seem to b turning into one.not that i want to see you as one, but what you are doing recently really pisses me off.