so for the hopeful 2009 just round the corner, i am gearing up to accomplish the 3 new year resolutions!



1)bringing forward from the previous set of new year resolutions,
i wanna be more patient with myself and everyone else!!
my quick and fiery temper has caused so much disagreements, arguments, quarrels and fights among my loved ones and myself.esp zenji.he really kena a lot of shit from me ever since we got together.of cos i have been getting a significant amount of shit from him too.but that's beside the point!i feel bad whenever i shout or get angry with me.it is like i am possessed with the Anger Monster, and it rips me away from controlling my emotions.
i am sure if i can keep my emotions under control, i can manage my relationships better and suffer from less breakouts/ break-ups!
so i want to stop screaming angry and hurtful words, be more understanding, less harsh to everyone i love, esp Zenji.

2)be more enthusiastic in pursuing a healthier lifestyle.
ever since i started going to the gym, i feel a little more confident and better about myself. of course i am not having any killer body now, but at least i feel good in my own skin.stronger and fitter!and the boxing class is hell loadsa fun!and after going to gym, i won't want my effort to be wasted, so i feel more disciplined and motivated to control my diet.no less sugar and fat laden food, less suppers etc. and with zenji around reminding me, it seems easier to eat better!
so i wanna keep up with the training sessions at the gym and follow a healthy diet, without depriving myself when i feel i need to indulge once in a while.

3)drink responsibly.
sounds it is taken from some campaign posters stuck on the toilet doors at Zouk uh.hahah.
zenji got quite upset with me on a few occasions when i had too much to drink.and some of them got really bad.
and like what someone said, what if something really bad happens when i get too drunk?
and drinking too much aint good for the brain and body.alcohol stuns the brain neurotransmitter or something.and all the calories in the drinks are unimaginable i tell you!
so i just wanna get high enough when i club, and not get so drunk that i will become a burden to the people around me.

i cannot wait for the end of next year to come, and i will be sitting in front of the computer, reviewing 2009 new year resolutions.most importantly, i wanna be proud of myself fulfilling all the goals i set for myself!

We are like two boats in the sea, without an anchor to keep us steady. As the currents grow stronger, we drift apart, sometimes without even ourselves knowing. Maybe when the sea is calm, we might draw closer to each other. However, the distance we cover probably will not be enough to make up for the distance we travelled when the sea is rough. So many times we tried to pretend the distance never matter, only to be disappointed by the lies we told ourselves. When i thought you finally understand that ths boat is made of paper, only able to sustain itself a brief moment in the ever-changing weather, you shock me awake when I see you letting me drown.

Tell me this is all a nightmare. Because, i still love you.

is it suppose to be this way?

countless times, i feel that i have lost myself so much in this relationship. time after time, i find myself admitting to mistakes i think i haven't commited, apologizing to things i am not sorry about, just to please you and eliminate the tension between us. yes, you don't force me into it, but there don't seem to be another choice anyway. even when it is you misuderstanding my intention, or just that it really seems to be your bad, i am still the one being accused of spoiling the mood and causing all the unhappiness. i don't mind saying sorry if it is really my fault (which seems like all the times), or occasionally just to move away from the gloom. but when it is like always me taking the initiative to speak first, it is inevitatble that i will get sick and tired of it. i feel so under-appreciated and emotionally drained.

i thought asking for a boyfriend, who will be there when i need him wasn't too much. then i learned that we all need our own private space, and i know i was wrong for being so dependent on you. now, i don't ask of you to be with me physically all the time.i myself have also realised that we don't squabble as much when we do have time to ourselves and our own friends. i only wish for you able to understand me and not having bias perceptions about me. i feel that whatever i say seem to have a hidden agenda to you.you don't trust me.no matter how much you assure me that you do. whenevr i feel like telling you how i feel, i will keep having this fear in me. fear of stepping on your toes and making you angry, leading to a evil circle of me apologizing for nothng and making me feel that you take me for granted.

you used to make me feel so loved, so confident of myself, so happy. but now, these feelings only come once in a while. other than that, i only feel that i am living under your control and unable to feel myself. i miss those happy times, when i thought i was the happiest girl because i have you. you said you want to make me happy and never want to leave me. but look at what are we now. the things you said to me never seems to occur to you that they are actually very hurting. i don't know why i subject myself to your piercing words, when no one else have told me anything what you said before. the way you treat me depends on your mood, and i never know if you will turn against me the next second. i constantly have to worry if i have said the wrong thing which will upset you. this makes me very tired and helpless.is this the way you love me?

i don't want to let go of this relationship.i still love you.but i don't know how to continue.

hello baby

if i am right, this is the longest time we havent meet up with each other when both of us are in sgp.i do miss you, a lot.but i guess it seems happier and less restrictive for us. i really wanted to see you last night.but i wasnt gonna take the risk of making you feel i am gonna break my promise so soon.and i certainly don wanna u t think i am being a pest.and i hope you will eventually realise the changes i have made for you, and be happy about them.
i wanna be in your arms so much

if alcohol and sleeping pills become a staple diet.and cigarettes smoke turns oxygen. but that's too tempting.

if we could turn back time and amend the mistakes we committed.but that's too naive.

if we could stand aside and see ourselves doing whatever we did.but that's too hilarious.

if we could control what we think and how we feel.but that's too mechanical.

if we could let beauty and banknotes determine where we go.but that's too easy.

if i could stay like you asked.but you chased me away.

if we could escape to serenity and be our own favourite people.but that's too perfect.

i want to travel the world with a week's supply of underwear, dozens stacks of cash notes, ten sticks of lip balm and a loving friend.
http://zhihua.livejournal.com/
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=689957549
read and love or hate me more

thank god.we made it through.and he reassured me that he will never wanna leave me and wants me to remember that he loves me.

and i hope this will last for good.i love you baby, with all my heart and soul.

i really dont wanna lose you, baby.
i know it's been me, doing all the shit that has eventaully made you so fed up with me and this relationship.
i promise i am gonna change, and it is gonna be for myself.
in fact, i have been doing my best to do better.yet i dunno why you still blame me for all these.on the other hand, i guesss i have to shoulder most of the responsibility.
i wanna thank you for everything you have done for me.i might never have shown my appreciation the way you wish i did.but i am really grateful for all the things you have done and sacrificed for me.even the small things like you smiling at and hugging me.
it is been so many ups and downs we shared ever since we got to together.and every single thing has only made us grow stronger and my love for you only became more.
i miss all the hugs and kisses we share lovingly, the times we do silly things and have a good laugh together, the places we visited and made beautiful memories at, and so much more that just sparkles the wonderful things we have.
please don't hate me.let's talk things out and get through this together, shall we?

with unbeaten love
zhihua

i dunno how to tell you this.

i really feel that i am not that important to you anymore.at least compared to when we just got together.i used to feel really loved, waking up with a smile every morning and feeling all warm and cosy when i fall asleep at night.but now, i cry myself to slepp every night and wake up only to feel i am all devoided of hope.

i wanna tell you so much about how i feel. but i am afraid that you might get angry and all stressed out again although it is never my intention to make you feel that way.then eventually i would have to apologise to you, just so that we can start talking properly again. even when i am not at fault, i have to do all these.i have my pride too.and you said before, if my pride is so important, then why be together?that even hurts me deeper.and many times, i do feel that i have forgo my pride for you, even my friends have noticed it. of course i remember you doing so for me, but at least i never said such hurtful things to you.i know you hate me for embarassing you in front of your friends.and i can tell you i never done that on purpose and i am truly sorry when those times happen.and i know you can be very egoistic, so most of the times i'll just forget who i am and apologise first. but there is really a limit to how much i can take.i love you, and i can do anything for you.but it seems to me that it doesnt even matter to you.that makes me feel very unappreciated and makes me wonder if i am doing the right thing.i thought that when i am in love with you, i wont have to shed another sad tear.however times like this occur so often that i really wonder if i made the right choice and have i done the right thing.

i never expect you to shower with me gifts and i have given up hoping that you can occasionally surprise me.i just hope that you can start being considerate to how i feel and put yourself in my own shoes.i am a girl, and like any other girl, i wish my boyfriend will love me, and show that i am important to him.i hope that is not too much to ask for.

i know you have your own friends to be with and yearn for your own private time.and think i have improved a lot on being able to let you go at times. but it still seems insufficient for you.i wanna keep improving for you but i dunno if you will every appreciate the things i have done and the changes i have made for you.

you might not realise the way you talk to me really hurt me very badly. sometimes i really feel like shouting at you, or to just walk away from you.but i cant bear to cos i still love you.sometimes, i dont even know what i have done wrong to deserve that kinda treatment from you. you told me to leave you alone when you are not feeling ok, be it when you are angry or sick.i did. and the thing i got back was not your appreciation whatsoever. it was you feeling angry with me again for showing you attitude.i did what i was told, and i still had to getit from you.

and now i am crying so sadly, yet i dunno how to tell you.i really wanna lean on your shoulders, and you comfort me, telling me everything will be okie.and i am quite sure you would be upset too and thus making things worse.is it really me?can i call you now and have you talk to me nicely?

i know i havent been the best girlfriend around, and that you have many issues with how i behave.but if you havent notice, i am really trying hard to accomodate to you.i am not trying to sound that i am unhappy doing so, just that if you can show me a little more appreciation and concern,i will feel really happy.for sure i've remember the things you've done for me and the sacrifices you've made.

i really wish you are here with me now.maybe we can talk things out soon.i am never prepared to lose you, though admittedly, i have been having such thoughts recently.but i never never wanna do it.i love you baby.

hello baby

another not so happy week has passed.all the quarrels and fightings are really wearing us down.sometimes, we would be too tired to even explain ourselves.which, to me, is quit eupsetting.it makes me think how much we still care about each other.but of course, it never mean that way cos i am sure we still see each other as the world.
i hate it when you say you wanna end this relationship.i never expect someone supposedly to be so in love with me to say that.it cuts me through like a rusty blade.even though you clarified, saying that you said those mean things out of sheer anger and if i really did agreed to leaving you, you will come back to me, i just wished you never said it at all.it somehow remains as a scar i think i will need a very long time to heal.i don wanna our relationship to be flawed with such harsh comments.i really love you, like i never loved anyone before.in a way that, i know i havent been doing a good job as your girlfriend.i have been making you angry and all stressed out.i am really learning to b secured and independent.i wanna make you the happiest guy and i wanna be the reason for that=)

baby.i love you.with all my heart and i wanna live my life with you.through thick and thin.