happy 2008 in advance baby=)

we went clubbing on friday!we as in qj alex pei ting huiyu weiling chieling kehong.v random combo and very unexpected fun!
though the drinks were quite limited (china gt cocktails nt ar?), music was quite -_- (i am nt exactly a trance person),the crowd (wah piang.gt more sad not.full of loners, weird ppl, old uncles n aunties -_-).the sales manager KIAVIN was quite cute though.i guess the only good thing tt day was the company!oh, and maybe the cheap drinks.like a bottle of vodka 450rmb?tsk tsk.

and i could see pei was missing ivan even more when we were out partying.when she just sat alone aside, i am quite sure she looked upset though she appeared to be enjoying herself without him.i know cos i think i am going through the same thing as her=\

clubbing w/o him stil feels weird.i still want him by my side, to have all the drunk fun.to smell and taste the alcohol from each other's breaths. yes, tts my fetish=D
anw.i don think i am quite ready to share the same kind of intimacy with another guy any time soon.i wanted to tell him i wld b clubbing here tt day.then i thought, wil i look too pathetic, seeking for his attention?or wld he evn bother abt me anymore?i don wan to appear like a pathetic worthless being begging for his love and attention.if he wants to give it, i do hope it is sincere and coming from the bottom of his heart you see.if i have to act pitiful and such just to gain that from him, i think the remaining pride i have can still hold me back from being stupid anymore.i want to break free from that.

i miss you.how i want to call you my baby.but now, i am not too sure if i can even call you a friend i can keep near me.you know how much i still love and need you.but you seem to be nonchalant to that,till it hurts me to even think about it.=\

i wonder what is it gonna be like when i am back.oh ya.i have this email i sent to some of my dearest friends.paste here.

"lousy xmas uh?nt to say the dinner outing was bad. it was quite fun, actually.the normal laughter n silly stuff n such.but i just felt v alienated from the festive joy=\
pp n ting asked if i sms-ed hb to wish him merry xmas.i had not when they asked.i was thinking if i shud take the initiative (as usual).i was hoping against hope that he will, showing some festive love or sth.but apparently he didn't, until i couldnt take it anymore and sms-ed him abt 2350+ -_-
he jus replied "merry xmas to you too" -__-
jitau regret sms-in him.but since it was xmas, i decided to reply that sms.i told him frankly i was wondering if i shud sms him tt.cos i didnt seem to matter to him anw.den i asked if he wld sms me if i didn't.he said he would.den i said he didnt have to lie ( =X ) den i should have waited a lil longer since he would.hahaha.den no reply -_-
den b4 i went to slp, i suddenly felt v angry and upset with him, with the him and myself.den i told him it's odd that he made me felt like crying on xmas day-_-
okie.i know that's v spoiler and -_- but i jus wanted to let it out.ARGH!
he asked why.i don't even bother to reply.=S
on a lighter note, he said he likes the book i gave him for xmas.hmmm.
wonder how he spent xmas wid her?i am just gonna assume they spent the day tog!or else, what else!

sucks man.
he cnt even b nice for goodness sake on xmas.
and it makes me think, if we ever get to meet up when we're back, what's it gonna b like?-_-
if it's gonna b the awkward silence and dinner-and-fark-off kind, i am gonna just let a cab run me down.

cant wait to get myself embarrassed and killed that day!-_- "

hahaha.if it is just plain awkward silence we can share after having so much in common, okie maybe just in the past, it is so downright shameful and pathetic uh?
isnt saddening to see the both of us, who once loved each other so much, can end up being total strangers who can't care less abt each other's being?esp heartbreaking if it is one-sided.ha.i can't wait to find out what is the out coming like for myself.

well
i dunno what else to say for now.
till then

happy new year again=)