i pushed too hard. i broke your heart.

i dunno is typing this entry in d office a good choice.i dun wan to shock my colleagues with a sudden outburst of my emotions.ha.

there seems to be a lot of things i want to say about both of us and the break up.everything to me still seems very ironical, surreal and painful.it is so intense yet very intangible.unbearable lightness of life i am reminded of.when i cant even put a finger on how i feel yet i can still feel them so strongly.

we've been talking still.thank god.cos that time on d phone after talking about the break up i said i will be waiting for him to ask me out (sort of to lighten the mood but i do mean it)then he said it should be the other way round.i guess he is thinking i wont want to see him.so i asked if he still wants to go for a haircut like he said before and if he needs me to accompany him.he said of course and why not Tuesday.which is today.but he said he can't confirm since he hasn't been resting enough.

i dunno why but i can talk about it in a very light hearted manner online with jinny n others ytd online.i could even joke about it.but i was talking to candy about it over dinner last night and when i am alone, i cannot help but feel that i am enormously swallowed by the sadness i am drowned in.like when i was telling candy about us in the past, i almost forget we are not together anymore.i feel very detached from the present situation we are in.i still choose to believe subconsciously that we are not over yet.though we are still friends, candy say i shouldn't expect another relationship to develop from here lest i get myself hurt more.if i have to admit, yes i still hold on to the hope that we might be together again, although he himself said before that he don't think he can ever be my boyfriend again.i hate that.don't make it sound so absolute.cos i know things might work out again.who knows right?just like who would knew we'll end up in this way?at least i never did.i always thought the only problem between us was you still being with winnie all this while.but ever since you told me since your 1st girlfriend, u never could commit into another relationship again.i said i can wait for you to bring yourself into this relationship.u told not to wait for you and to start thinking for myself.but to me, i am doing this cos i thought about it already.then you told me not to push you away.i never did.and then you told me we should just stay as friends.this is confusing to me.you said this is for my own good.i can decide what's for my own good and i can tell you this is certainly not doing me any good.we still love each other.so why do we have to leave each other like this?you said you cannot stand me feeling so depressed over the both of us.you cannot stand me being so clingy towards you.you cannot stand me getting so pissed and shouting over the phone.i ought to explain myself.i was feeling so depressed about us because you are still with her, at times you don't seem to care, i felt very unsecured about the relationship.i mean.take a look from my side.who can tolerate her boyfriend going out with another girlfriend?maybe i shouldn't come into the picture in the first place.but since we were already together and the things you promised me were not done yet, i don think i can blame myself for feeling like this.and on the part where i shout through the phone -__- okie.maybe it is my hand phone cos i cannot control the volume.maybe cos i tend to talk louder when i am agitated.and i am totally sorry for that.you say you cannot give me what i want.but you are who i want.who i need.who i love.i don't know you can decide that for me.u asked if i still trust you.of course i do.i am telling you nobody can tell me what is better for me.cos i know it myself.but since i trust so so much and you are so insistent, i dunno what to do but to go with your decision.i never expect us to go separate ways when we still love each other so much.i never expect us to leave so soon, also.i could see us going for a very very long time.but you said you've been thinking about this the past few weeks.i wonder why.

for the past few days, I've been thinking if you will be happier without me.you said breaking with me is the most difficult decision you will make.and now you've made it, i wonder where you got your strength from.and will you regret it if you know i am feeling so miserable now?you know how happy and whole you make me.so i guess you know how upset and broken i am when u leave me.frankly, i really hope we can start again very soon.i promise i will stop being such a bitch in a relationship.but i don't want you to feel pressurized to do so.let me go back to you because you love and need me.tell me that.

I've been also thinking if we should talk about our break up soon.like there are many things i don't understand that made us end up like that.

you know.every little things remind me about us.especially Kiss Goodbye.the first song you serenade to me.the song that means so much.i now hate lying on my bed alone.because i know how much you can warm my bed and me up when you were still here.i don't like being alone now cos i know you might be there for me anymore.

and seeing you so insistent on the break up.i dunno how i should feel.i may not have to feel very sad cos you think this is good for me though i dunno how.but i don't feel very comforted cos i feel like shit now.i hate you for leaving me when i still love you and you still love me.

i miss calling you my baby.i miss your hugs and kisses.i miss the closeness and togetherness we shared.i miss feeling happy whenever i think of you.i miss talking to you.i miss having you.i miss smiling for you.i miss thinking about you without having to cry.i miss feeling happily in love with you.i miss being proud of you.i miss you telling me you miss me you love me.i miss you.

can we be back together please?i promise we'll feel happier than ever.we still have so much for each other.why do we have to end up like that?to me, this is worst decision we made.worst.